You don’t have to read this, this is my therapy session, an expression from my heart… but there is nothing wrong to read and probably you could share you thoughts on this.
I wondered why i am feeling tired, scared and confused recently. Everything seems wrong but i manage ultraglide, i mean.. glide through it but still i think i have one big problem. I worry to much about everything, my anxiety level are quite high. What makes me worry? why am i become anxious? Doing so many things nor doing nothing are so wrong. All of the sudden, i feel lost not knowing what my goal is anymore. Don’t you think its worrying if you feel this way?
Not enjoying my work, but i loves having a monthly salary. I enjoy being at home yet i am not sure if i am able to stand being at home all day long. Probably what i need now is to slow down and take things easy. Juggling family, career and to achieve what i want in life can be exhausting. I think my worry makes my mind tired. Pretending you like doing what you doing can be exhausting enough, then what, should i quit. I am not interested with the course i’m taking, so should i change?
I sometimes feel that i fail being a good mother, not a good example but this job i cannot quit a mother’s job. When my kids asked me “mummy how long we need to be at the daycare”? “you said you going to stay at home?” these words enough to make a mother feels guilty.
Not complaining but taking care of autism can be tiring. Sometimes i just skip going to church because i can’t handle my son’s ‘funny’ behavior in church, i feel my blood boiling or probably i already have high blood … it is not easy task. As we spend lots of money on therapy for my son, i have to teach my husband on how to deal with my son.. don’t you think its another job. Knowing my husband try his very best.. we all feels tired. Sometimes i wanted to give up, but i cannot give up. Another thing.. if you don’t have anyone with autism, don’t gives me tips on raising one.
We cannot compare each others life because if we do, it can probably makes things worse. I believe there is a reason behind this anxiousness, God wants me to ‘slow down’ … pause for a while and think. Asking to many people on their opinion can be a problem too, it can be a conflict.. the only person in need to ask is God.
Done, my writing therapy … time for another therapy … sleep and rest.